Secrets

Sometimes, we know things in our hearts that we don't want to admit out loud.

I wrote this as my face book status the other night, and I think many people can relate to this. There are things that we feel in the very depths of our hearts, things that we know are true. Things we feel guilty for, things that define us, things we could never admit to another person - but feel very strongly about. These things are our secrets - and these secrets make us who we are.

Everyone has secrets. We have those little things that we think about - past times, people, places, events ... and sometimes they eat at us. These are the things that keep us up at night, the things that crawl under our skin. A simple thought or memory is enough to drive someone crazy. We cant admit it, though. Perhaps it would change the impression we give other people.

You know. You know exactly what I mean. There is that one person, one event, one memory that effected your life so strongly, that you cannot get it out of your head. There are triggers that bring us back to this. Something that reminds us of the secret. Maybe we can't sleep, maybe we want to cry, or maybe we want to shout it out loud for the whole world to hear just to get it off our chests.

The point is, every single one of us has these secrets. Maybe it is just apart of being human. However, we must remember that these secrets, these memories - are what got to where we are today. Maybe you're not happy with the way your life is now. Or maybe you're like me - and thank God every single day that things turned out the way they did and that your life is what it is today.

I suppose my point is, that we are all human. Everyone, even myself, feels things in the bottom of our hearts that we wish weren't true or cannot admit to believing. Emotions are a crazy part of life. I have learned to accept these emotions and be thankful for everything I have. Maybe if it wasn't for those deep, dark feelings in my heart- I wouldn't be able to appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life.

Wind, sicknes and Philosophy

I am taking a little break from writing my final philosophy paper to talk about, well I don't know ... anything.

Its quite cold out today. I can hear the wind pressing against my windows. I have the pellet stove running on full blast down in the living room, but the chill just wont seem to leave. I have secluded myself into my brothers bedroom where the small space heater is keeping me warm. I am taking full advantage of the fact that he is not home by using his brand new Sony Vaio laptop - which he stood online for 5 hours outside of Best Buy on black Friday to purchase. I'll tell ya, when that kid wants something, there's no stopping him from getting it.

I am really dreading writing the rest of my philosophy paper. Sure, I'm great at writing papers - but only when I am really interested in the topic. I have to write this paper about Spinoza's claims for the unity of substance. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

On top of this chilly, windy, freezing day - I feel absolutely horrible. My head is congested, and I can barley breathe. I blame the weather. I'd kill - literally, so stay away - to be on a warm beach some place, reading a good book and letting my pale, white skin bake in the sun. Maybe living in Jersey this summer won't be so bad, since I'll be just a few minutes from the beach. Plus, Michelle has a killer in-ground pool that I plan on taking full advantage of. I almost used an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. I hate when people do that. Are you really exclaiming out loud what you have typed? Doubtful.

I haven't eaten yet today. That's not good considering its all ready 11:30am. I should have at least ate breakfast or something. But, then again, I really am not feeling so hot today. Not sure how much food I could really stomach right now. Besides, Kim just got her job back at the bar down the street. And do you know what that means? Free lunch for Kelly! (ok, I really did just exclaim that out loud) ... So, I think I'll wait to eat until about 12:30, then go down the road and eat a burger and fries, courtesy of the Tiwn Willows.

Stonger

It's been a while since I've made a post, and I think it's time to start writing again.

Change is in the air, and I like the way it feels.

I am about a week away from my college graduation and I have so many feelings running through me. I'm thrilled at the idea of never having to write another re-search paper, read another book that I have no interest in or wake up early for an 8am fitness class. I can't wait to never have to buy another text book, eat stinky cafeteria food and search for parking spots ten minutes before class.

I'm nervous about the prospects of finding a career in my field. I know that it's hard out there and a lot of college graduates are having trouble finding jobs. But, I have a plan. After graduation I am moving to New Jersey to live with my sister. There, ill be working for her and her husband with things that are related to Journalism. Hopefully, after doing that - my sister will help me put together an awesome resume that will land me a good job. I'm already crossing my fingers.

I'm slightly sad at the idea of leaving PA. I have so many good friends here- people that I will love for the rest of my life. I have the best friend I could ever ask for- Lindzee. Even though we are such different people in so many ways, there is something about our friendship that just clicks. She knows all my flaws- my imperfections, and has never judged me once about the less-then- perfect decisions that I have made in the last year. It's so comforting to know that there is one person that I can confide in 100% and never worry about them turning their back on me. If your reading this Lindzee, I love you.


I'll also be leaving my Dad and my little brother. Even though I know I'll be coming back to visit them all the time it still makes me sad. The three of us have become a team in the last couple years. We have been through a lot as a family and when it was just the three of us left - we had each others back. I could never put into words how much I love my little brother and how unbelievably proud I am of him. He surprises me everyday with his motivation, creativity, intelligence and hysterical humor. He, like Lindzee, knows everything about me and has always encouraged me to make the right decisions and to be a better person. I really don't think I would be the person I am right now with out Richard.


I have closed a lot of chapters in my life, and I am starting to open some new ones.

Love has taught me a lot in the last year. Love is a hard thing to handle. Sometimes, when you love someone deeply enough, its hard to see that things are falling apart. For a long time, I couldn't see that I was rapidly rolling downhill, and when I hit the bottom - things made sense to me. I knew how I got there, and I knew what I had to do in order to make my way back up. I had to let love go. As I made steps to get back up, It broke my heart in a million pieces to watch him stay down. But in order to have control of our lives, we need to make our own decisions - on our own terms. I made the decision to get myself out, and I am a better person today because of that.



As they say, once one door closes another opens. I think I have opened an entirely new door that will lead me to better things. I will admit that I am afraid of change, but this change is exactly what I need. I am exited about what the future holds for me, and I am proud of the obstacles that I have overcome in the last year. Besides one or two people that know the whole story, I don't think anyone will ever really understand what I've gone through, and what I have rose above. I just know now that with a little encouragement from the people I love - and a lot of believing in my self, I can get through anything.

Sleeping with the tag.

It's been a while since my last post. I read a friend's blog recently, and decided it might be time to update mine.

Last night something happened that I feel is necessary to write about. I slept with the tag. Yes, the tag. You know that little, white, scratchy, annoying tag attached to one end of your comforter? It may seem unsuspecting when you purchase your new comforter, but when it ends up in your face right before bedtime, its the end of the of the word.

While making your bed, it is essential to make sure that that damn "tag" is at the foot of the bed, and not right in the spot where you lay your head. Because when its time to go to sleep, and you pull that warm, comfy comforter over your body, that tag will wipe across your face to remind you that you are in fact an idiot, and cannot properly make your bed.

When I get into bed, there is no getting back out. When I realize that the comforter is misplaced, and the tag is in my face, it seems like the hardest struggle in the world to rotate that comforter to a position where that horrible tag cannot harass me in my sleep.

There is nothing worse then waking up in the middle in the night to discover the tag is right next to your face.

If you own a comforter, I know you understand me on this. I know you understand the painful, annoying-ness of the TAG.

Please, make your beds properly. Save yourselves the torment.

Sciota

The reality of the town I live in became very apparent to me recently. I moved to PA from New Jersey when I was in 9th grade. Talk about culture shock. I went from living in the suburbs, to a small red neck town called Sciota. Has anyone even heard of Sciota? I didn't think so. Thats probably because its the smallest town in the world. Well, not the smallest town in the world ... but pretty damn small.

Don't get me wrong, I love the house we live in now. Especially since the kitchen has been re-modeled. My house sits right on the creek, and my deck goes over the water. Its actually a really nice spot. However, we are surrounded by three bars, all which draw in the drinking population of the town... Which is pretty much everyone. Not including my Father anymore, thank God. People in my town, love to drink. I know this because I work in the gas station in the center of my town, and the regulars don't always look their best in the mornings... probably due to hangovers and whatnot.

Anyway, I was looking at something in the backyard that my brother was trying to show me, when a huge tractor went putting by. There was some guy driving it, and there was a this very loud woman with a cowboy hat hanging off the back. I looked at my little brother and said, "do we seriously live here?" The answer was obvious. Yes, we seriously live in a town with tractors, and drunken hill-billies.

California, here I come.

Moving forward

The end of Summer has made itself clear with a first day of school and chilly day. It's kind of sad how fast the Summer came and went, but it was one that I will remember for a while.

The majority of my Summer was amazing, but the fun came to a screeching halt in the last two weeks. I went through a pretty rough breakup, and had some serious family issues. However, I learned some valuable lessons about love and family. I have had sometime to re-evaluate what is important to me, and where my values are at. I came out with the conclusions that I just might need to spend some time working on myself, because I have a few things that might need some improvement.

Anyway, the first day of classes went well. I have the same professor for ethics, as a I had for intro. to philosophy. He's nice guy, but a very, very boring guy. I'm also taking math, writing for computers, writing creative non-fiction and English lit. Just another semester at good old East Stroudsburg University.

Time for a change

My heart hurts. Not because I have high cholesterol and I didn't run a marathon. My heart hurts because I found out this weekend that my feelings were disposable to some people. I took my anger and sadness and put it in the wrong place, and found out first hand the reality of other peoples lives.

Besides my emotional train wreck of a weekend, my family has suffered a bit of a crash itself. This weekend we tore out our kitchen, and workers came in to fully transform our shitty (to say the least) kitchen, into a space we can enjoy together. My mom came home for the weekend to help out. My father, being the alchoholic that he his, decided on Saturday that he would have some people over in the afternoon and start drinking. All while my mom, brother and the workers are busting their asses trying get all the work done. My dad got pretty drunk eventually and decided to drive down to a friends house. He ran into a DUI checkpoint and got busted. My 16 year old brother had to pick him up from Pocono Medical Center and take him home. My father was so embarassed, and my mother wanted nothing to do with the situation, since his drinking is the reason she left in the first place.

Maybe it's time for some change around here. Maybe a new kitchen and living room can come with some new attitudes about life. My father might realize that he doesnt need to drink to be happy, and I dont need someone else to keep me happy. Maybe if my father stopped drinking, my mom would come home. Maybe if I had a little more confidence in my self, I wouldnt be so utterly crushed when I find out that people dont care as much as I thought they did.

Everything will be fine, though. Our new kitchen and living room should be done in the next two days, my father might decided to stop drinking, and i'll move on eventually. As times change, so do we. And we need to accept that change, or there is no moving forawrd.

Let the construction begin

I live in a little house, in a little town. Not only is my house little, but its old too. We have old kitchen cabinets, old floors, old furniture, old everything. However, we have all new counter tops, cabinets, floors, and microwave out in our shed. These things have been sitting out there for years waiting for my father to find the motivation to install them.

Now, the time has come. We decided that it's time to fix up and expand our kitchen. This means knocking out half my bedroom, and taking down a few walls. It's going to be a project, but in the end we will have nice new floors and a up to date looking kitchen. Everyone is pitching in their time and effort to get this job done.

Today we cleaned out my entire room and put all my crap into bins. It's amazing how much stuff I managed to accumulate over the years. I found things that reminded me of high school, things that reminded me of old boyfriends and things that I just didn't want to find.

Now I'm tired and soar from lifting and moving things. I think me and Bryan will sit on the deck with a bottle of Jagermeister for the remainder of the evening, and talk about important things like politics and global warming, ha.

until next time

Scary movies and evil brothers

Last night my brother and my boyfriend made me go see the movie "The Collector." For anyone who is unfamiliar with this movie, it is about a man who attempts to rob his boss's home, but discovers that there is already a mad man inside the home who has taken over the family. It sort of reminded me of the Saw movies, and it should because it was made by the same people.

The movie was just another overly gory film that had me closing my eyes the entire time. I didn't like it and knew that I was going to have nightmares. Not because I was scared of the movie, but gory graphic movies always give me nightmares.

My little brother thought it would be funny to scare the piss out of me later that night. He succeeded. I was laying on the couch in the living room and could hear my brother walking around upstairs. So my cleaver little brother, attached a flashlight to a rope and threw it out of his bedroom window. He started slamming the flashlight against the side of the house, making it seem like someone was trying to break in. I freaked out, I couldn't even move.

After screaming for a little while, my brother decided to come downstairs and tell me that it was just him trying to scare me. I hate when he does shit like that.

Until next time

mondays

Monday again. I don't mind the beginning of the week as much as most people do. Thats probably because I really like my job. I picked up this part time job working in a gas station by my house this summer. I work from about 430am until 9am. It's really not that bad at all. I make decent money and all I do is make coffee and talk to the regular customers that come in every morning.

There is a wide range of people that come into the gas station in the few hours that I am there in the morning. First there is the semi-old man who is getting ready to retire, he calls me "Kell" cause he thinks were buds. Then a string of janitors from Stroudsburg come in and get their coffee, they usually look pretty miserable, and for some reason they all buy the same Tasty Cakes. Then there is the guy who I call the "Jeasus man." He comes in every morning and tells me how I should believe in god, and that I need to be saved. He always tries to give me these little business card things that have some excerpt from the bible on it. I remember the morning after Michael Jackson died the man said to me, "I guess Michael knows the truth today."

The other line up of regualr customers include the hot mom, the old rich guy who tells me I'm a genius, a lady who spends about 50 dollars a day on sctach off tickets, the homeless man who gets free coffee, the workers from F&F Paving, and an old cooger who thinks she's still "got it." Maybe these crazy people are the reason I really dont mind my job. They keep me pretty entertained for the majority of the four hours I'm there.

The only problem about this little part time job is that when I get home, I go back to bed because I'm so tired from getting up at 4am. I usually sleep until about 12 or 1, which makes me feel unproductive sometimes. Anyway, ill quit rambling for now. The boyfriend should be here soon.

Until next time

For starters

This is a blog about my life. In the last year or so, I have met so many different people, done so many different things and been to so many new places. Also, I feel that in the last year I have grown as a woman and learned a thing or two about life. I want a place where I can share these things with other people. Some of it will be funny, some of it might be sad, some of it may bore you, some of it could blow your mind. But all of it will be real.

Until next time